今、私は日本語でタイプをしましょう。。。

私はポケモンの帽子を作りたい。色々なポケモンヂザインがあるが、私はとても怠慢です。

ええ、作りましょう。。。

ｘP

I probablly got the title wrong. Oh well. I am really sleepy. I even slept for some time during the AHA potluck. I apparantly don't have a steady energy reserve like some people. I can get quite hyper, and then, I crash.

I just can't go to sleep right now. I'm even in my bed right now, sitting upright, and typing on my laptop. I'm just not in an equilibrium point. Yeah, that's how I base my statuses now. I can't really conclude something without feeling like I'm in some sort of equilibrium point. Otherwise, events have to keep rolling somehow. I'm not in my equilibrium point. Sewing always puts me in my point (Mr. Parks really liked the embroidery I gave him; I thought it was pretty messy and incomplete, but oh well. Have a good break, MP!) I just don't have the mind to get out and do that now. Besides, I should record at least something about my day.

I don't want certain people to care about me. Even if this is how they treat everyone else, I don't want them to treat me the same way. Well, when I say they, I mean Elliot. That jerk gave me something for my birthday... Cake, and Alice (DVD, part 1 and 2). The cake was delicious, and I anticipate Alice to be something I'll like. Fuck. It's the only material present someone gave to me... excluding things like birthday cards, and for that, I only got two or threes worth. Please don't... I would push myself to the point where I can say "I won't accept your fucking kindness." However, that's not the case here... If I could say anything, it would be, "I won't accept your fucking consideration." That is absolutely not like me. It's the complete opposite of me... I care only for the considerate... I don't want to get warm towards that boy. I don't want to be close to him, I don't want to be friends with him, I don't want to be aquaintences with him, I don't want to be in his life. In all honesty, I don't want to be part of anyone's life here at LCCHS... I don't want to hurt anyone, and I know I have the potential to do that. I love myself, but I know I can sometimes end up as an inconsiderate bitch... I can be that way because I can't stand inconsideration... I also can't stand being lonely. I could stand being alone, but I always feel so lonely.

Elliot, please leave me alone... Just leave me in my selfish wishes of not wanting to be of any aquaintance with you... I've allowed myself to be scarred as it is, don't re-open these wounds.
I don't want to be happy when you talk to me, and yet I am, because in my heart, all I ever wanted was a friend. You are friendly, but you're not a friend. You were not, and you won't be... Just leave me alone. It's my birthday wish. You are happy, I want you to remain that way without me being in your consideration.

This is probably just nothing stuff to you... Just a girl and her birthday, you just happened to have cake and means for DVD making, so pick it up and give it to her... That's what friends sometimes do, right? I'm anticipating this to be the last time I'll have to consider this...

Just let me go to college so I can leave everyone already. Heh, I remember Andy telling us that he'll never come back to visit. And yet he does, because he cares about people. Those who care usually end up in a prefered position. Those who care but don't want to care, they just want to give up and start completely over.

Is it due to competition that I want to be more a fan of an obsession, or is it because I fear not being anywhere near what I want to be, i.e. actually following through, in my actions, my obsessions?

It highly saddens me to like something that a whole lot of other people like, especially /those/ people. I never seem to feel complete unless it's apparent that I love something. Is it competition, or is it the desire to be who I want to be? I would be who I want to be, if it didn't mean being like those others. I am unheard of. My affiliations arn't entirely reflected in my actions or impressions.

I... hate... fan people... And yet, I'm such a fan girl...

It's suffocatting.

And so, I take out my needles and thread. I will never. EVER. give up my love for sewing. I may feel tempted with Alice in Wonderland... I have such a feeling that Alice in Wonderland-related things /are/ my obsession, and yet I watch as those fan people claim Alice as their affiliation. And yet, they're stuck with the Disney interpretation of Alice... I am Alice... No, I'm an Anti-Alice.

I always contemplate such silly things. For example, if I am such a sweety cupcake to others, and if I love things so much and care a lot, and is very happy with myself, and happy in general, how is it that I can hate so deeply? After reading Wuthering Heights, I think I might know why. I wasn't taught to manage hatred. I was taught to love, and I was taught to care. I was also taught to think rationally and consider multiple situations. However, I wasn't taught what to do if I have considered different factors, and I've still come to a conclusion that the situation is absolutely disagreeable with me. It's absurd! It's absolutely diobolical! It's unreasonable, unefficient, gets absolutely nowhere, and is such a bitch of life! And yet, the only answer I can get from aquaintences adds up to one statement: Just get over it. Great advice people, "just get over it." I grow tired of such statements.

I have so much that I need to type about... And I have to do it quick, because I hae an assignment to do that's BIG and late...

But first, I have to use the bathroom really badly. Yes readers, I have to go potty. But today was really important to me in ways that it probably isn't anything really eventful, but it was indeed special to me.

brb

Okay back.

Quickish summary of the day. 2-4-6 day.

Once again, my phone shut off before my alarm went off, so I slept in until 6:40. I got ready quickly, however mom was taking us and she wasn't done getting ready until 7:20. So, to my disappointment, I was obviously not early to school today. I wasn't even in the classroom when the two-minute bell rang. I got to class, put down my stuff, went straight to say hi to Jackie and Sensei who were talking with each other, and then, class began.

During class, I brought my embroidery stuff. In realization that sewing is one of the few things that always brings me to this equilibrium point, I took out my needle, felt, and floss and began to sew. At first, I didn't know what I was making, but I realized that in the small 3-inch embroidery hoop, an ocean began to take shape. In the ocean, I took some white, and made a small fish. Needing a boat, I took some orange and created a boat directly above the fish, floating in the water like a block of oddly cut cheese. Next, I took some green, and created another boat, 1 kilometer away from the boat and the fish. Finally, I took some black, and created thin sound waves emmitting from the green boat, refracting between the air and the water.

Then came break, which passed through seemingly as quickly as it came.

During math, once again I did not have any homework. However, we went through our previous test. I did so-so... I was contented with the people I was with. As it seems, there are much more people that I talk to in the class than I realize.

Math ended, and I took out my Thai tea... Results were as expected, as always. What happens when I drink Thai tea? I get SUPER hyper.

During my thirty minutes of hyperness, I was literally here and there and everywhere. I initially began at the second Echo Circle with Ally's group. Then, after hyperness of ...well... everything, I was literally RUNNING everywhere I went. I was already out of breath and faint when I was still at Ally's group, blowing into the bottle and making the sound, drinking more, and creating a lower pitch noise. And then, the lovelies Brittany and Jenn came along, and who would have guessed! Brittany wore pants today! Brittany and pants is like... seeing Jackie in a dress. It's unheard of! So I ran back and forth between the hill and the EC, drinking more hyper juice and trying to be manly like Brittany was (I schwear she's so good at being manly!). Seeing Jackie at the group that I normally would shy away from, I actually went to her numerous times. She was sitting next to Camacho in a circle of all those people I've been avoiding... But I went there nonetheless. First time I went, I nearly crashed into Jackie and told her that Brittany was wearing pants. Man I was so hyper like no joke! I would have /never/ approached that general area if I wasn't this hyper! She came over and breifly said hi to Brittany and Jenn, and then she went back to the group. Before she went, she told me that she asked Ryan if he had any sibblings, and apparantly, he did! He had a younger brother, but it's not the boy we thought was him from J2, it was someone else. Jackie pointed his brother out to me, and ofcourse I got even more hyper because I love siblings! Especially comparing features, so I just had to see his face. But it would be weird because we don't know each other at all, nor does his friends. He was behind the media center, so I went up there to the right side to say hi to Calvin, and rounded about there so I could see him, and I could see the similarities! But Ryan is still the awesomest boy around. I rounded the media center half running, and then I ran full speed back to Brittany and Jenn. I talked with them for a bit, and then I went back to the EC to finish my hyper juice. Then I went back to Brittany and Jenn, and then I decided to go back to Jackie. I kinda stayed there, and soon after I did, most others iin the group got up and talked at another circle, and who were left were Jackie, Ryan, and me. He didn't really seem to acknowledge my existance... Even though I was almost right between him and Jackie, when Jackie talked to him he only turned his head barely enough so that he could barely see her through his peripheral vision. It would have saddened me, but I was SO HYPER I didn't even care!

Then the bell rang and it was time to go.

When Physics began, my hyper juice was already dying down, as well as my regret-less out-going-ness. I was shaking all over and so tired, and I was borderlining tears because I began to wonder the results of my actions. We had a substitute teacher, so we didn't have a test or packet to turn in. We watched a video and worked on a worksheet. During class, I finished what I have begun during Japanese. I added numbers. 343 m/s in the air, and 1440 m/s underwater. Speed of sound in two substances. My embroidery became a physics problem that I saw in the Giancoli textbook. The question is: How long will it take for the boat to hear the boom? the fish? I shall embroider the question and answer on another rectangle. I'm planning on making a black felt bag, the image and question on the front side, and the answer on the back. I'm planning on keeping it in the physics classroom.

We were dismissed 5 minutes early.

Being dismissed early, I arrived at the EC2 early before Ally and the others. I put my stuff down and commensed looking out towards people, waiting until 3 so I can get picked up and possibly do nothing but complain and do homework.

No. Turns out, Andy Perrott came.

He and I had a long chat just the two of us until I had to be picked up. I thought him visiting was enough to make me happy, but I was proved wrong. Not only that, I realized that there's more than one kind of happy. One is the excited kind of happy, the gung-ho type that lifts spirits and makes one believe that he or she can do anything (exactly as I felt during lunch). The other kind of happy, which I realized later on unexpectedly, is a very warm and gentle kind of happy, one that is enduring and plesant. It's the kind that makes one feel secure and safe, loved and cared for, and thankful for all things held dear. Andrew Perrott is my dearest friend. I am so glad to know him; he makes me happy in both ways listed above. I don't know if he realizes it, but he means so much to me because he is the sweetest, most caring, most considerate person I have ever met. Andy told me that the main objective of his visit was to talk with Lizzie.

Last year, they had a big argument over something "silly" (he says he doesn't even remember what the argument was about), and they left on bad terms. Whenever they come across each other, it's always awkward, and she is one to get up and leave when he's around (sounds familiar?). He wants them to be on good terms, and wants to approach her and talk with her (get it now?). He said it's just that he's not good at approaching people, and even if he were to talk with her, he wouldn't know what to say and he's afraid that she doesn't want to talk. He tried texting her, but she never responded (see the precise lineage here?). Andy cares about her.

Even if I can't stand Lizzie, there's just something about Andy that I openly and willingly disregard and forget all of my hatred and dislikes, worries and sadness.

Although the situation is differing, the results remind me too much of the thing between Elliot and me. I brought up the similarities and the differnences. One of the most important things that I told him (to me it was the most important) was that communication is very important. I couldn't stress it enough. I told him that we didn't exactly leave on bad terms (we actually left on good terms which soon expired to nothingness/bad-ish terms on my part). We left on a complete misunderstanding. I told him that it would be best to talk things through. This whole time, I knew that Lizzie was somewhere in the school. Most likely she was with Jackie in the art building. I offered taking him to talk with Jackie, and it could hopefully transfer over to Lizzie, but we didn't for considerations to Lizzie.

When I left, Andy said that he will text her again sayiing that he wants to talk with her. If she doesn't respond, he'll leave.

That was the jist of our conversation. It was also sparced with related-ish things, such as friendship. Also how he's now 19 and how I'll be 18 this weekend. In regards to friendship, I told him how I don't hang out with the people we used to any more, and how I plan on breaking relations with all the people I knew in LCC when I go to college. He said that that was his plan too, but he still visits. He also told me about how he's always loosing friends, that to which I told him that he doesn't seem like one who would because he is such a great friend. He said how it's also because of moving. I told him I moved around too. He asked if I had any good friends along the way, I told him that I had one [Vivian]. He asked me that if I go back, if I will visit her. I said that I would. He told me about this friend that he had in Florida that he visited, and it was more of an awkwardish "hellos" and "how are yous". This friend of his apparently found his lost bunny that Andy had, and he also punched a tooth out of Andy. I love you, Andy!

Today, I felt both quite good, and really crappy. Last night, I stood up till 3 am, working on the AP Long form that I procrastinated on, and only got half way. It'll be turned in late.

AP Econ wasn't bad, we did absolutely nothing. We were working on the AP practice test, and studying. We get a cheat sheet. I should get that filled out...

English, crap. I died in there. I was resurrected with hot chocolate, but I was still pretty dead.

Lunch, I was pretty hyper. I said hi to people here and there and everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm one to be avoided.

Talking with Jackie, discussed some Camacho-isms. There's something weird about me. I get all spazzy to no end, but in the long run, I get this feeling like... after slurping down an awkward bowl of raspberry pudding...

The saddest thing when viewing oneself as different is realizing how normal he or she really is...
What's worse is when one /isn't/ who he or she wants him/herself to be.

Something tells me... that the potluck might go unwell for me...

I bet on luck far too much for my own good. Things end up turning bad, and luck in fact does turn out bad.

Was that the case again today?

Yesterday, after I became lazy at 10:30, I decided to make an origami rose.
And ofcourse, my betting... If it turns out beautiful, I'll have a great day tomorrow. If I mess up, the day will be bad.

I did my favourite rose in a rose. Made an origami rose, made another one half sized, and stuck the smaller one in the inside. Fix up the petals, and it really does look like a real rose. Mine turned out beautiful. So today was to be beautiful?

We came to school early, I spent the first 10 minutes by the elevator staring out towards the theatre, sports fields, and meadow. It was indeed beautiful. Moderately clear skies with the sun just barely behind the houses on the hill, a stream of fog hovers above the vally-d areas. The leaves have fallen from the tree, which were damp from last night's rain. The cold was not due to the wind; the feeling added to the effect of the visually damp scenery. Frost in some areas, but not too much. It was cold to the point where the rails with the heavy drops of water hanging from them looked frozen, but they really wern't. It was pretty, I wish I brought my camera, but perhaps the following days will have the same effect. It made me happy.

During Japanese class, I did my physics homework, and Kevin came in and we talked a lot. It was nice talking with him. Not to intend offense of any sort, Kevin is the kind of person who I'd think I would have nothing to talk about with him, but once I do, it's actually nice because he is so happy and strong with his likings and beliefs, and always smiles even if something is said that might hurt him. He's a good friend to have. He makes me happy, and he's even an inspiration to me. I gave him some polvoron.

During break, I talked with David again. We discussed our age and birthdays; his birthday was December 11, and he never told me! He just turned 17. So if he and I were in the same grade, he'd actually be older than me by 8 days. David Fan is so cute! And silly. He also makes me happy.

Math, I sat in a group with Yu-Ting, Jimmy, and Recardo (did I spell it right?). It wasn't bad. Yu-Ting and Jimmy are funny. We sat by the window and had a little preview of the next playing band. They were unique, and one of the things that someone did even made Jimmy say (are they going to play Christmas music?) 'cause it really sounded like it, hah. Walking out to lunch, I walked with Robert. The band played, and they were a ska band. They were actually pretty good, me-thinks. I would have listenened more, but I switched on over to the Be The Change club. They're so nice and so sweet and they make me so happy! They welcomed me, and everyone's so nice! It was a photo shoot day. After the picture taking, I said hi to Ally and her friends (I feel terrible, but I need to remember their names :() I told Ally that I'm giving up on my crush. She told me that everyone is giving up on their crushes too.

After then, I went and said hi to Brittany and Jenn. And then, off to Physics!

So embarassing! xD
We had a lab, involving a large graduated cylindar, a large pvc pipe, and 3/4 water. And a bunch of tuning forks for the lab. So after my group went through all the neccessary tuning forks, I was messing around with the set up, first trying to blow into the tube like blowing into a bottle. And then, being so schtupid, I wanted to blow inside the pipe to make it bubble into the graduated cylindar. Well, water spilt all over the table! And then everyone stopped what they were doing and saw and were all like "OOHHHHHHKEISHAAAAAAA!" XD And there were no paper towels and Mr. Park went and got a t-shirt to wipe it up with. Oh wow I must've seen so immature xD People said it was all fine and they still love me so once again, I'm happy xD

And then, STUDY BUDDIES. It was the last day. Walking down (which I did with Jackie), Jackie introduced me to the Kuroshitsuji musical! I totally didn't know that they had one! She played tracks from her cell phone, and Sebastian and Ciel and everyone else sound AMAZING! She said that there are links on YouTube. I wanna watch!!! She got me soooo spazzy about it. And I got happy :)

It was the last day with Marilyn, the half pinay. We played hand ball, had pizza, did some homework, and played games. She knows more philippino terms than I do! It was funny. She wants to be fluent in Tagalog, and I think I should do the same. This session made me really happy :) I could've been great friends with her if we were in elementary school at the same time. Bye Marilyn! And then I got a ride home from Jackie's mommy, and they gave me a bag of potato wedges from Albertsons. So yummy!

So today made me really happy (as implied by how I've mentioned how I was happy in every single paragraph). What else could make me happy?

Nothing really... Actually, the following event is completely weirding me out...

Elliot texted me. And he's still texting me... I feel fine, but at the same time, I don't. I still don't want to keep in contact with him. I don't even know why he's texting me. I wanted it to be apparent that I don't want him to talk with me. I don't want to be friends with him. I don't even want to be his aquaintance. I want to be non-existant. Why is he talking to me? I thought, and hoped, that after a month of not comunicating at all, he would've forgotten about me. I guess I was wrong >.>
I had daymares with him. It made me cry at nights. I'd tell him that I just don't want to talk with him again. And get through this whole development that causes me to spill out my emotions again.
Dammit Elliot. Just leave me alone... I don't want to get to a point where I end up saying bad things again to you.

The sad things about Sundays occurs when theres a big assignment due on Tuesday. If it was due tomorrow, I would know that I could devote all my time to that. Oh well, time to work on that AP Long Form... If only I could find my AP Long Form paper... I know I have it somewhere... I'll be typing it up on DINAH. -runs upstairs to find paper-

-five minutes later-
DOODE. Not only did I find my sheet, I also found my English folder o_O.

Time to work on it.

It's been four hours all I have down are a whole bunch of note cards... Yay! It's all a matter of copy/paste of information, but I'm uncertain whether the AP Long Form should be in paragraphs, or it can be in bullets... I'll start with bullets, so it'll be easier to switch to paragraphs when needed.

Two days ago, something was told to me that I'm just starting to appreciate even more now... It's weird, sometimes things have a way better effect when in one's long-term memory that short-term. Soon after Danielle's (sp? sorry D:) hug giving (which made me really happy), Dani (and I just realized that there are two Danielles in my class xP) came up to me and said "Since I can't give you a real tip, I'll give you a tip in life: Live life to the fullest!" -hugs-. I know that it's a very well known statement, but it's very strange: it has a way stronger effect when directly told by someone else. I'm just realizing this now, but that is one of the tips that I really do need to remember in my life. A couple of minutes ago, I didn't even know what that statement meant. So I looked it up. And ofcourse, I unregrettfully and unshamefully clicked on WikiHow's "How to live life to the fullest". The list's too long to reiterate, but now I understand.

Mainly, live life as if today's the last... Forget those who don't treat you right, and love those who do... be carefree and happy... accepting... understanding... inner beauty as well as outer beauty to learn to appreciate the beauty in others... seeing the best in others... be nice and kind...

Thank you, Dani!

It's probably because it's the weekend, but I feel happier and gung ho about what I'm about to do coming back to school. I wonder if it'll continue through this week... This week will be vital: It's overrun by 2-4-6 days, and it's the very last week of my teenage-un-legal years. Here's the plan, btw: Friday I'm going to the Azn pot luck, Saturday I'm hanging out with the family, and Sunday I'm hosting another tea party. I'll be inviting Jackie, Joanna, Rosanna, Davina, Brittany, and Ally. And Jenn, too!

People say that I'm amazing... Why don't I feel amazing? It's because I doubt the things that everyone say... A possible reason why I am doubting is because I compare myself to those other people who others also say are amazing (One of my greatest skills is self-awareness, btw. I know myself a lot more that other people would know themselves.) The others who are complimented for amazingness, I always think that they become over their heads about it. When they say "Thank you", it's like they're saying "Thank you, I am amazing, arn't I!?" As for me, I'm never really consider what others think is "amazing" about me unless I myself think that it's amazing. For example, my poncho. It's defninitly not "amazing", it's a first draft. But if others see it as "amazing", I wonder what they would think if I know I could do better and actually impress myself.

Don't think that I'm being hard on my abilities. As a matter of fact, It's all a big competition with myself, and anyone who knows me should know that I'm very competative. I have been all my life. Superficially, it's the reason why I aim to look much younger than my actual age, quarterly to compete with those who are indeed atleast half a year younger than me who look young (because they are young). 3/4 of the reason is because I feel so much younger than I really am. My competativeness is the MAIN reason why I jumped from regular Physics to AP Physics. There is no way in my sane mind that I'll let Elliot do better than me, ESPECIALLY in the things that I love to deal with. Atleast, he apparantly has a C, and I have a B.
However, I don't even care if the reader/poet is doing better than me in things like English (not just class-wise, but everythingwise). I know I'm not good at stuff like that, and I'm taking AP and I absolutely LOVE my class. Mrs. Lax and great people, what more could I ask for? Competition is long beat.

E-mailing Jackie right now. I feel rather funny. Discussing the Tea Party I'm planning on having post-birthday.

We're leaving to go to school at 6:30... It's only 9:28, I didn't get any of my 2-4-6 homework done, and I'm not even half way with the AP Long form due Tuesday. And I'm getting lazily sleepy.

Today I felt like I got absolutely nothing accomplished... At. All. Other than read some more pages of Wuthering Heights. Other than that, got absolutely nothing done. Well, I took the ACT, then we went to the base in OSide, and then to the 99 Ranch Market. When we got home, I ate, and read book and watched more Let's Play videos... (I'm so lame D:)

Things that I have in mind to make:

• Fingerless gloves (take an old shirt, trace one hand, add seam allowance, cut out two sets, sew together. Simple enough).
• Apron skirt/high-waisted skirt (anything with a high waist, huge bow in the back, and lots of ruffles).
• Collar w/ bell... But then again, I have two identical golden jingle bells, so why don't I make something Christmas-y for the holidays?
• Pokemon hats etc! Jackie sent me a link with a bunch of created ones for ideas.

Okay. I'm going to go to bed to sleep and wake up and do a whole bunch of productivityness... Including homework and sewing, most likely I'll be multi-tasking. Night. Hmm, shower first...

Sometimes, the Schwoa wishes that she could have days like this more often.
Sometimes, the Schwoa wishes that she could make happy many people like she did during class today (with the exception with one person, and that ruined my super happy bubbly mood... not for too long though, but hey.)
Sometimes, the Schwoa wishes that she could feel loved more often, like she did during her classes today. Schwoa brought the hot chocolate and cream puffs, and it made manyy people happy. She even got compliments and hugs from a couple of people. It made her very happy to make other people happy. She was genuinly happy.

I really should be making more hats sometime soon. I will definitly make them during winter break... Maybe I won't start this weekend. I think my next personal project will be both the shorts/legwarmer combo I've stopped on, and then an apron skirt (just like the one I took from the theater and wore today). It'll have a really big bow on the back too. It'll wrap around; it's one that shouldn't be worn without pants or without a petticoat (that of which I should make another one of, this time a black one). This one that I'm wearing is really short; I'll be making my apron skirt down to my knees.

I don't like people who judge me without knowing me... However, most of the people who do, they've judged me like I'm a good person... All those others, the people who don't like me because I don't like them, they most likely judge me badly. I am getting to a point that I just don't care about them anymore. I don't need them. I don't want them... AAMOF, I want them out of my life... But as big as this school is, it's too small for my wishes. I can't wait until I go to college. I'll be out of their systems, and they'll be out of mine... And I'll be happy... And where I go, people will love me, and I'll feel loved...

Time for me to sew stuff. I think I'll start a large embroidery project to carry around with me. Big as in, it'll be made using those large hoops. Oh! I can make a pretty sachet. Like a necklace pouch to hold very lightweight things, like pieces of paper or jewelry, and it'll be pretty enough that I could just wear it like that. I wonder what it should look like...
I'll just list some random things that I like and think through that... Then, I'll bold the things that I really like, and italicize the ones that I'm considering...

• hearts
• lace
• rainbows
• kanji
• cupcakes
• lollipops
• candy
• trains
• gears
• skulls
• stripes
• quilts
  
• broken heart
• "Schwoa"
• "Jablobski"
• blood

Well, time to wander for ideas...

All I do is complain. I'm sick of everything, I complain about everything. You know what I'll do now? I'll complain about complaining.

There's this irony I'm surrounded by.
I always feel like I am disliked by everyone, but people tell me that I'm really nice and sweet and amazing. I still feel like I'm negatively disconnected from everyone around me. And yet, all I do is do things for others. I don't know exactly to what extent, but even if I regrettably seem grudgy to people, I'm always willing to be nice to others.

I finished making Christine's present. It gots a kappa on it and "Happy" on the back (didn't have the time to make "B-Day"...) I know she's obsessed with chinchillas (I remember when I was obsessed with them freshman year), and Lizzie drew her one.

Keisha's need-to-be-rule: avoid contact with anyone with any association with that group. Life will be good. Safe to say I had a grudgy morning and grudgy after-school. Well, not really grudgy. I don't even know how to name this feeling. It's like a feeling of grudgy without the grudge, gloom without the glum, anger without the heat, heart-achy without the ache, fear without being scared. I need to get away. This feeling is very undenyably uncomfortable. Now that I think of it, this feeling itself, (not due to self-torture) is not torturous. It's just uncomfortable. It's like... when one gets a sore throat. It's irritating as hell. -checks pulse- still beating... -checks breathing- still breathing... As it turns out, I'm still alive if these indications indicate correctly. Things probably can't get any worse. Maybe I'll go back to journal writing. Practice some calligraphy. Get some embroidery done. All that shizz.

I just realized something. People push others to/into do[ing] things. It's either they push them in the right direction, or think that they're pushing, but end up pushing wrong buttons instead.

...I'm so lame, I'm on the 30th video on Let's Play Silent Hill.

Tomorrow I'm bringing hot chocolate and cream puffs for my english class. I don't really know why anymore. All I know, I love hot chocolate, and I'm in the belief that others would appreciate it just as well... Brittany is bringing scones and some other nomimonos, but I don't know what she's bringing... Tea? I'm possitively sure my hot chocolate and cream puffs won't get by as well... No matter how good my stuff are, my things usually go by unnoticed... Add that to my last actual paragraph in this entry...

I consider my brother as part of "that group" that I was referting to above. Lah di dah. I want to be my own friend. I wanna make dolls, and they'll be my friends. I will make friends. And they will love me just as I'll love them. I will make them happy. And they will be happy. And they will thank me for being a good person. I will be loved.

Tomorrow. Friday. I have an un-preference for Fridays, but atleast it'll be a 1-3-5 day so I'm hoping it'll balance out. It has been a bad week for me. I'm thinking that it might be bad again next week. Heck, it'll literally be the last week of my years of being 17. If it'll be horrible, then I wonder what it means... It'll be my coming of age, and the threshold will be hell. When I leave the school, they'll remember me as a 17 year old. When they see my face again, I'll be 18 years old, and I'll probably be harder... colder... more calloused... Perhaps I'd have shunned my past completely, resisting any notions of it, and finally able to move on without any loose strings keeping me behind.

Wasted so much time on youtube. It's now 10:06 and I'm still only studying econ and haven't done English yet. I wonder if I can do it in the morning... -checks- Okay, I can do it in the morning. I need to wake up early, btw... I probably should. So maybe... I'll just be lamely lazy again, go upstairs after this vid, take a shower, get clothes ready for morning, and get ready for tomorrow's damned day.

I wanna be an icon whore just like Rosanna <3 I miss her bunches.

• Morning, it was a late start day. I got to school at 7:25 ish, and met up with Emily and we sat at a bench and did homework since the library closed. I had my iPod, listened to IM all morning until class started.
• Econonomony, I started being pretty hyper.
• English. THE DESKS WERE ARANGED IN A CIRCLE. I don't know what it was about it, but something about it made me SOO hyper all the way to end of lunch! Why is Ryan have to be such a cutie? I had a dream about him last night again. This time, it wasn't the same as previous dreams. However, it would be safe to assume that the boy in my dream was in fact not Ryan, but some other person... He was there for a bit, but all of a sudden at the moment I had a conversation with him and later told him of my infatuation, he became this unattractive person in every un-changeable way possible, and he wouldn't leave me alone and this unattractive being (not just in appearance, but in attitude and personality) apparently liked me... It was so weird! I wanted to leave because it was becoming really awkward. That's when my alarm woke me up. I turned it off, and went back to sleep, hoping for a differnet dream. It turned out to be in the same exact room as before, but I was talking with Kevin at the doorway about philippino words. I had so many weird dreams last night. SOO many WEIRD dreams. I slept well, but I don't remember the details of them. I just remember me waking up, thinking about the events that happened, and me having a reaction of "WTF!?!" and "DOODE!"
• During lunch, I went down to see Ally, but she went off somewhere again and I ended up chatting a bunches with Ziming, me being all hyper and whatnot. Then Ziming dismissed me and I went to Ally, and talked with her for a bit. Then I noticed Ziming was with the Azn guys in front of the 900s and I wanted to go back so I can talk with hiim and kinda be there for that other guy, so Ally had me go and I was there and I talked with Ziming.
• Sculpure... I never do anything there anymore. I need to work on my concentration...
• After school, I made more pug clay with Jackie, and then I headeded out. While waiting for my brother/dad, JP came up to me regarding my upsetness yesterday. He seriously made me genuinly happy. He told me that he has heard that I am such an amazing person and could make anyone happy, and that if things go in upsetting ways, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. He said that he knows mere hugs doesn't always cut it, but I should know that there is support and that I really shouldn't put so much blame on myself. I thought that was really nice of him to tell me the things he has told me. I am genuinly happy.

I should be working on my math and my Physics. However, I'm distracted in the process of making a little trinket for Christine for her birthday. I'm making a little patch ornament with an embroidery of a kappa on it. It'll be holding a sign, but I don't know what to put on the sign yet. My work area (dining room) is such a mess. It's covered with workbooks, and my embroidery stuff. Speaking of which, I have yet to re-make my embroidery travel set to bring to school. I have a kinda one, which has my embroidery floss and scissors... Now that I think of it, I really /am/ into this sewing stuff... Like I knew it was my passion, but I kept on thinking to myself, I have yet to be of the status of having it as a hobby; I'm only a novice working at it; But now, especially after completing my super awesome poncho (that of which actually impressed Brittany), I consider myself A Seamstress of LCCHS. Not yet The Seamstress, but I'm moving up in the ranks. My next goal is to get myself notably in the awareness of others that I am ideed a seamstress who creates stuff. I need to think of my next project...

What was going through his or her head when the creator or Skittles created Skittles? They're awesome, but who thought of it? -eating it now-

It's only 7:01... I have a lot of time...

• Elliot talked to me before class in Japanese. He lent me a CD of a classical artist he found. And he gave me food...
• ANDY VISITED THE SCHOOL DURING LUNCH. Around early lunch, I went out to say hi to Ally, but she disappeared and all of a sudden I see this oddly familiar tall guy wearing dull red pants... It was Andy! Andy came! We chatteted a bit, and then I brought him to the AHA club where he talked with Joanna, Jackie and me for the rest of it. I asked him many times if he were to go see anyone else, and he said something like "Who else would I see?" With his Andy Face. Something like that. Something to that effect. The wording isn't very Andy-like, but DOODE Andy came!!! It made me really happy. It's ironic, after what I said mentioning him in yesterday night's entry... "the feeling I got when I realized that I'll never see Andy ever again..."
• My poncho is my source of pride, but it didn't really help me as much throughout the day. Maybe because I took it off often out of self-consciousness...
• I cried again after school. I talked with Josephine and Samuel, they helped me.
• To crush, or not to crush, that is the question. I have an idea, I'll pretend to still have a super spazztic crush while actually being spazztic about him, but in truth brush it off as silly. And when I sleep, instead of seeing him in my dreams ever so more-often-than-others, I'll work on seeing my Dante. I have many silly daydreams with Dante. I would type them out, but I'm too embarased to if people were to read this poo. It shall remain in my mind... Problem is, people only appear in my dream if I've seen them before. Maybe I should have Jackie draw me a picture and convert the picture into my dreams... I still need to practice lucid dreaming. I keep on forgetting.

Tomorrow is a Wednesday. 1-3-5 day. I'll bring my iPod with headphones... I'll get to school early like usual... put on the headphones, and play the music... LOUD. Put my head down, or not, and just exist. Before periods 1 and 3, and during period 5. I need to work on something for sculpture for once... I haven't done anything since the begining of break. Animal form... I wonder what I should make...

What animals do I like? A lots.

Time to work on Econ. I'm signing off LJ for now.

Working on Econ. (back after an hour or so). I can't draw pretty, but I'm teaching myself to write pretty. As of now, I'm just experimenting with my writing. On my econ packet O_O. Fun. It really is. I am really interesting in the unit we're in. Decision making and Game Theory. GT's one of my most favourite theories, as of now.

Tomorrow and day after tomorrow are late start days. I still want to get there at normal time, even if I don't know what to do. If I may, I would just take my iPod and just lay somewhere blasting music to myself (although, poor brother would have nothing to do). I wish I could lay on the grass, but it's wet. And cold. Actually, everywhere it is cold. Oh, what to do? Maybe I could ask if Sean would like to go on recon missions with me. It would keep him momentarily preocupied, but we'll be there for an hour longer than usual. Bummer... Maybe I'll just let Sean decide, and we'll leave 30 minutes later. I don't think I would care too much. It's not like I'm expecting to see anyone.

When I'm done with that cd I'll have Sean return it to Bryon. I'm not wanting to return it myself. He appears to try to be nice. It's so random/sudden. It doesn't mean that I'm going to fucking change my mind about him. I'm still bitter and scarred. Mostly scarred, and resultedly bitter. I've ultimately decided. If my actions and thoughts harm those who I cared/care about, they better stay the fuck away from me because I don't want to hurt them again. Maybe I should turn myself into a thorny devil. When threatened I'll shoot blood out of my eyes to deter them. And they'll run away and I'll have no blood (over exag. for a td), and I'll die. And everyon'es happy, THE END.

I don't want Elliot to talk with me. I'm too happy when I'm with him. My actions don't correlate with my emotions. He is the spinal cord of my past, Jackie's the glue, and my dumb infatuation is gum at the bottom of my shoe. Bad rhyme not intended.

I wonder if Calvin will return my cds and hat anytime soon.

Josephine is /kinda/ a connector to my past, but she's different from that spinal cord and that glue and that gum. She, she's the bridge, and one of my ways out.

I did what I could for the Econ packets. Now time for poetry analysis...

This school is becomming a playground of my self-torture. No, it is a playground of my self-torture.

I am sleepy. I'll do the main big analysis now, and do the rest in the morning. I just want to lay in bed and dream about Dante, one who is always there for me but is never there, as opposed to think about the others whom I /only/ know, who are never there but always is.

I need to design more. It's the only thing I can keep my mind focused on.

First of businesses: I officially abuse scientific terms in life metaphors/examples.

• Newton's Third Law: For every push there's an opposite push back (not to the exact sense, but generally...) Like how when there's negative energy going in one direction from person to person, it's expected to be rebound.
• Law of Diminishing Returns: I think it's self explainatory...
• Marginal Profit/Marginal Cost: Decisions in life...
• Principle of Superposition: when occurences (such as emotions) cross each other, they add up (If both negative, it becomes even worse when they coinside, when one's negative and the other's positive, the result is one that gets pretty much nowhere [if the negative and positive are of equal strength; if one's greater than the other, them the sum will be towards that]).
• Efficient Allocation: Self explainatory.
• Maximizing Profits, minimizing Costs: Self explainatory.

I'll try to think of more later.

I'm finished with my Asian-esque gothic-punk poncho! I'm so happy with it! I've realized how I stand in front of mirrors too often for my own good. It's nothing vain, it's just that I get so deep into a daydream that I forget that I'm still looking at the outfit that I'm wearing (in my daydreams, I'm wearing my current outfit, and I usually view myself at a third person point of view). Dun think me vain! Only think of me as distracted in my thoughts...

I'm sick of my high school past, it has callused me so... I thought I have shed my toughened shell, but turns out that there are still few fragments remaining...

I know I barely know Christine, but I wanna make her something for her birthday coming up on the 10th. I can't believe she's older than me! She looks young and acts childlike... I envy her xD And so... "Apparently, we both dislike the thought of being 18 years old... Perhaps this Kappa will make it okay. Happy Birthday!" It'll be a small flat fabric kappa. I'm sad to think I might not have the right fabrics... I wish I wish I wish I had felt! I think I should keep a stock of them at all time. They are very inexpensive.

In truth, I feel betrayed. I don't know why, and I know I shouldn't feel this way. It's cruel of me, but Life is cruel. I am left with nothing but feelings of regretful resent and unchecked sadness. To add to my cruelty, I would promise myself that I would stop relations with the people I knew, but in truth, daily encounterance has been to a minimum for the past time. I wanted to make it apparant. I want others to notice that I feel sad and betrayed and nonetheless and ultimately lonely. But my nature wouldn't allow... Why must my nature disagree with my emotions? Perhaps it is something that should be left alone... My emotions are left to myself... I always thought that friends are supposed to help with these kinds of things. Turns out, they don't know what to do except say words of volume-less comfort. There is no help. It's because no one knows what to do. Why must I realize the folly I see everywhere? Why can't I just be a normal person and atleast pretend that I have friends who are there for me?
There are people who I just want to tell, "Stay away from me." I only realize, they are never there for me to say it. Why must they remain in my mind if they arn't physically with me, or even emotionally with me? I'm just too fucking emotional with things. Happiness, I don't just feel it, I /am/ it. Likewise with anger, and hate, and sadness, and love... What, must I be a normal person and /not/ be emotional? Why can't I get over things? It's because I can't find the reason to, and I find all the reason to be angry and miserly. I can't seem to find reason for social happiness... I don't have any social support. All I have are people who I see at school, who have lots of social support.
Once an emotional loner, always an emotional loner. As of now, I really wouldn't want to conform to a society that hasn't done me any good. No one has taught me to be "normal". DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE.

I just want to leave this school ASAP. It has brought me nothing but reason to wish to shut down from everyone, except my new friends with whom I hang out with now. The only things left that's keeping me with my past are my friendship with Jackie, and my dumb infatuation with Camacho. I don't even talk with Ryan, it'll be malleable for me to stop crushing. But my friendship with Jackie, she's a dear friend to me and to everyone.
The thought of weakening my friendship with her is like... the feeling that I felt when I became aware that I won't see Andy ever again... the feeling that I get whenever my brother does something regrettably terrible, and he doesn't realize... the feeling that I got when my parents were concerned about the way that I dress... the feeling I felt when Davina left and following then, for atleast a year, I needed her most...

I live a pitiful life. And yet I love it. I just want to leave this school so I can reach a renewal point... One where I'll keep ALL contact with those from LCC to a minimum...

...I'm supposed to be doing my homework and studying... I say no. Homework isn't entirely that heavy. And I'm waiting until maybe 10 or 11 when I could use the computer upstairs. Mathematical reasons. I could study Physics... Or, I can do that during Japanese class. I don't even know if I have any Japanese homework... I'm sure I'll be able to do that in the morning.

I need to study for the ACT... I have no fricking idea what to expect. It's this weekend, and I have no fricking idea what'll be on it.
Okay, I just went on the website. It has resources for me to check out, which is good. Not right now, but maybe tomorrow and then after I will go over the practice test many times. I really should be doing my homework for tomorrow... Oh wait, it's decidedly going to be accomplished much later on. I don't even know how much sleep I'm planning on having. Maybe I could be going upstairs, and spending an hour in my closet to pass time (I just heard someone go into the computer room). Or maybe, I could have a little snack (or, maybe not). I think I'd rather pick an outfit... Darn, then again, I already have it picked out. Maybe I should shave? Do we even have a razer? Hmm. Maybe not needed. I'm planning on wearing lots of layers tomorrow. I love layers... Let's see. Bottom to top:

• Boots. Tomorrow seems like a good day to wear boots. I'm just not entire sure which ones I want to wear. I think the poncho would look better if I had my legs exposed if I wern't wearing jeans. I don't think I want to wear jeans out of fear that it'll be wet outside. And I detest having wet pant legs... Oh! If it's still wet outside, maybe I could wear those kinda poor-shapen rain boots that I have! I could wear that over jeans.
• Pants. It has been decided. I don't want to look too fashion picky; I would have loved to wear the poncho with my black pleated skirt, but that may be a bit too much for the effect I'm looking for. My intended effect is a very casual (for me) outfit with the gothic-punk poncho, so the effect of the poncho itself will be watered down to something less fashionably saturated. Perfect pants would be my painted-on straight leg blue jeans. The blue-ness and paint gives it a casual touch in contrast to the pretty gothic-punk poncho (which goes all the way down to my knuckles... an inch shorter than I would have considered perfect... Dammit! Well, lesson learned, make the hood before the hemline... It's just a bummer that I made a big mistake on such a lovely poncho with such lovely fabric and lovely eyelets... It's just kinda irritating: The hem goes to /just/ before my knuckes, when perfect length would be /just/ past my knuckes. Dammit. I could extend it by cuttiing it up and adding an inch strip, but that would be rather risky. I'll just remember for next time... But when I do make it right, I better be makiing atleast an equally as awesome design...). I'll be wearing some leggings underneah my pants. Leggings and long socks. I'll have a warm butt. I should make butt warming underwear.
• Definitly going to be wearing an undersirt this season and next. As for the over shirt, not something too fruffly because it'll add up as bulk underneath the poncho. I'll just wear a simple t-shirt, the black one with the random colourful print. It's to add to the casual-ness.
• Arm warmers. It's a must. It'll be weird having them underneath the poncho, but it's just a must. I'll be too cold without it. I'm just worried about the armwarmers constantly catching onto the lining fabric, which is equally as traction-y. But, I just glimpsed at the weather forcast, and it'll be colder tomorrow that it was today... Greeeaaaat... Maybe I should have some under-arm warmers, hah.
• Jacket. Even if I do have my poncho, it probably won't get by my parents without questioning. I'll carry the poncho in another bag. Like a tote bag. So I'll have maybe my messenger bag, and them a tote bag (either Kuromi or Alice... which one?). For my Jacket, I'd like something warm but not hassly. Panda jacket!

(Hot chocolate... /really/ what I need right now, but hazardous for DINAH...) I'll be very careful.)

• Hat... Ii don't really want to have to wear one... I'll bring my bunny hat just in case anyway.

Hmm, the cold would really make one apathetic and lethargic... I have a chapter test tomorrow in math, and a chapter quiz in physics. I should be studying, but I'm stuck here typing down words on livejournal. And now I have hot chocolate. I'll consume this, and I'll go upstairs for my math studies. Then, I'll go upstairs, get ready for bed (which really means, get clothes ready for tomorrow), and go to sleep. I need to wake up early. I know I'll have the incentive for it. Besides, I need to make sure Sean wakes up, and I have to leave at 6:50, earlier than usual. That means that Sensei won't be there at her room yet. Which means I'll be stuck out in the cold. Which means that it would be absolutely great for me to bring something warm and consumable while waiting... How about some good ol' chicken noodle soup with rice! That would be great! Now I just need to remember... I'll pack two things, if I remember and if they're available: chicken noodle soup in a thermos for breakfast, and the vegetables with the malunggay leaves (my favourite plant) with rice for lunch.

I'm really liking the cloth wrapping of things like they do in Japan. I could wrap for Bento, but what about the thermos? Maybe I'll have to keep a third bag... Hmm... My messenger wouldn't have room, I'll have two textbooks stuffed in there... Maybe in the bag with the poncho, but I'll get so mad at myself if I leave any food rementants on my poncho. I'll keep the thermos in a plastic bag /then/ put it in the tote bag. Okay.

Good night, finally xP

P.S. Today was absolutely lovely. It rained all day today, even as Jackie and I walked down to Mission Estancia. The thing about weather, it usually has a great reflection in my mood. Rainy weathers, I love it a lot, but there's always something to throw my emotions off to gloominess, like how Jackie told me what she did Friday night (she went to Elliot's house and hung out with the guys.) Yeah... (current thoughts: Stay away from me.). I have feelings regarding anything friend related with those people. I hate it, I hate it. Get me the fuck away from this. Something tells me that I'll resent the first couple of hours during school tomorrow just as much as any other 2-4-6 day. Everyone, just stay away from me... And by that, I mean, get out of my sight, get out of my life, get out of my pathetic mind and awareness... I have daydreams sometimes that I kill myself during Japanese class. In it, everyone cared. In reality, it seems like it'll be quickly forgotten. Sometimes, I wish I could test it out to see which would be true. Where, or where is my Dante...

Last night, I stayed up until 4:30 am working on my Asian-esque gothic-punk poncho (yes, it's decidedly a poncho). I am really happy with it. All I have to do now is fix the collar area... which I am stumped on because I screwed up and decided to attatch the hood after piecing the bottom. Sewn bottom means no super easy way to turn it inside out. Instead, I had to turn the /entire/ thing inside out, through the collar. Hoods are the worst things to deal with if it's messed up on from the beginning... So it's messy. I just finished the corsetty-lacy touch at the front... A tad bit too loose. It looks a bit weird at the front, I can't really pick out how.

I still need to do my English homeowork. We had to read and annotate four pages worth of poems. I should do that... I'll try to get atleast half of it done, go to bed earlyish, and wake up to finish the poncho. I'm planning on bringing it tomorrow to school. Not to wear all day, but to show and wear maybe duirng lunch time.

It's said that there will be heavy rain tomorrow. I /really/ hope so. I really want to use my ginormous umbrella, but it'll be a real pain if it doesn't happen because tomorrow is Study Buddies and I have to walk with a bunch of stuff... I should plan out: Messenger bag, umbrella, bag for poncho. Any thing else? I'll manage that tomorrow. Poem time... -sigh-

I'm set for staying up almost all night tonight working on math and Physics. Then again, it's still relatively early, so there's nothing that I could truely expect myself to do. I'm working downstairs at the dining room. I decided to bring Dinah with me. The battery life goes down a lot faster than I thought it would. Oh well, it's fine by me. For now atleast.

Working on math now: Solving related-rate problems. I was checking using the CD, and I believed I got it until I went downstairs to try it out on my own, and I got something wrong (like usual, it seems...) But I think I know what it is that I did wrong. I got my variables mixed up. Time to try it again... Darn. I'm still doing something wrong... Well, there's no better way to learn than to make mistakes and learn from them... I probably should stop hanging out with the people who I used to hang out with. I'm just filled with BS, I feel like I am, but I think it would be best for me to just stick with another group. Well, it seems to be going as planned. And as expected, no one would miss me from the old group.

Oh! I forgot to square... Got it!

I'm so boring... I likie the new group I hang out with. I just feel bad that I don't know everybody's name. What I also love is that I've been doing my hobbies so much more. Tomorrow, I'm planning on bringing my embroidery stuff. I want to embroider some things to use on the (plaque?) that is that hemi-circle shape that is sewn on the inside of jackets, etc. just behind the nape of the neck. I don't even know what I want to embroider yet... Maybe my name in neato colours, and my signature heart.

So... while I was sewing together the back part of the outter fabric, I screwed up in that the tension was bad. it isn't too horrible, I mean it /might/ look okay if the entire thing looked like that to give it a not-stiff wavyer look, but at the same time, I think I really need a lesson in sewing tension. Bummer :( But I'd love to learn, so that I'll never make that mistake again. I guess the reason why I've been okay so far is because thee fourths of the time I'm dealing with ruffles, so the tension problem doesn't seem as apparant.

Internet... portable internet... is very distracting. Dammit, did something wrong again. And I got it wrong again... WAY of, must I mention. Bummer. I should get my MusicBox. If it's fully charged, I'm turning my lappy off and will listen to that instead. Maybe more IM will help me focus... yeeeeaaaahhhhhh... iPod's charged. Off time.

Here's my list that I'm sticking to.

Personal Superstitions that I stick VERY closely to:

• I don't read the newspaper in the morning, unless it's a weekend because nothing bad could happen on a weekend.
• I don't write in my journal until anything relatively significant to the day has happened (eg. I go to school).
• I don't wear brown.
• Those cardboard mug cover things from coffee shops, weirdest unfortunate luck for me.
• Bad hair day =bad day.

My phobias:

• Cardiophobia- Fear of hearts. That freakish thing that moves on its own that our life depends on.
• Metrophobia- Fear of poetry. Recently realized. I freak out mentally when I read or hear poetry 75% of the time.

I don't like being in my Japanese class. All I ever do is complain about it to others, especially Kevin. Today, I gave him some ube cake from Saturday. Because he's a great friend, and because he's Pinoy.

I found out that Christine is older than me by 9 days. I totally did not expect that... I'm kinda jealous now, but atleast we both hate the thought of being 18 years old and freak out about it.

Happy birthday, Daddy! We went to Todai, just came back now.

Crap I have an econ quiz tomorrow.

Crappier, I have the Portrait test essay exam tomorrow. And the free writes are due. Crappy schnappy.

Greeeaaaat... I'm seeing that boy tomorrow. I wonder what I should wear... No, not anything to impress him, something that'll make me comfortable so I don't freak out! I want to wear my red boots tomorrow. I haven't worn them in a while. Or maybe I want to be colourful... Snowman shirt, plaid skirt, rose tights, leg warmers, flats, and my colourful scarf... exactly what I wore to last year's Christmas party. But season's not exactly right. Do I want to wear all black again tomorrow? I kinda want to wear my corset top (an excuse for a corset top). That, with my plaid skirt...? Time to "quickly" pick an outfit... Still not chosen... All I know is that I want to wear my bunny hat. I'm afraid of being cold, and I don't want to be too colourful yet. It wouldn't match my hat.


Hmm... I originally intended to post this picture to commence a whole stream of pictures of what I'll be wearing tomorrow, but now I'm thinking, why not wear the outfit I'm wearing in this picture? I'll do that... if I can remember to.

Must work on those free writes...

First, I wanna brush my teeth. And then, I'm turning my lappy off so I can concentrate while it's still before 8:30.

... One hour later, I'm back.

I'm considering going back to FaceBook... that cursed account... I guess the reason is because although I couldn't stand seeing some of the things I come across, I also couldn't stand feeling disconnected from people (the people who I'm most likely disconnected from anyway. Another reason is because I want someone to read my stupid rambles. I like how a link to recent posts are posted in the notification feed for people in the friends list. But at the same time, I wouldn't really be able to post anything too personal. I'm already nervous about posting something too personal, and someone actually reads it. And maybe get mad at me...

What would I rather risk? Me getting mad at people and myself, or having people mad at me?

...
...
...I think I'd much much MUCH rather have people getting mad at me.
But would I want my FRIENDS to get mad at me?
...
...
...I actually think so. Here's my logic: many parts of multiple faces of the situation.

• If they were true friends, eventually we would come to some understanding that will turn out for the better.
• If they wern't true friends, then... why keep them...? This would only show and prove my belief that I don't really have good friends. There are so few people who I consider true friends. The people who I used to consider good friends, maybe they arn't as good to me as I thought in the long run. Nor am I good to them. I'm not really a good person... I'm NOT saying that to put myself down. I am a good person as I see myself. I genuinely love people and truely care about them. But only if I feel the requitted love and care... If I don't, who would benifit at all in the relationship? I love and care with my LIFE. I'm not kidding... I devote my life to the people I care about... It's just that people loose my trust and my respect... Does that make me a terrible person? Does that make me selfish? It makes me cry to think that I don't feel like I have many firends... Hey, I don't think that I only care about people who love me just as much as I love them. I'd think that impossible... I care about the considerate. Not many people are... I haven't met many considerate people... I don't care what a person is like, but if they are considerate, and nice, and mindful, I care so much for them. I guess that makes me a hypocrite, no? I'm probably not that nice, or considerate, or mindful. That must be why I love the considerate so much... They would even care for a mindless, self-tormented girl like me...
• I don't care what others think of me. I do care in that I take what they say, and turn it into facts about me, and I freak out thinking that I'm doing something wrong. Hey, I can't be perfect... So all in all, I still wouldn't really take it to offense in the short run... Unless it's a direct blow to my dignity, trust, and self esteem. I rarely get truely offended. Rarely. Can't stress that enough. However, once I am offended, It's nearly impossible for me to forgive. The only time I have actually forgiven was with Sebastian after what he has done to Davina. Obviously, Jackie was easier to forgive than me. I'm a horrible friend, but I'm kinda leading off from Jackie. She is such a loving person, she loves everyone and everyone loves her. It's just that... Well, let's just say that she has appologized for her slowness and obliviousness ahead of time atleast twice. It's self-less for me to think, NO, I can't think this way towards a friend. But I do care for myself, and I just can't deal with something that hurts me on a deep level. I once thought about slowely ninjaly breaking my bonds with Jackie. She has other people to love and be loved by, unlike me. She should be okay in the long run, even better without a bitchy friend like me...

Duh. Of course. But hey, it's not my fault that I cannot strike up a conversation as well as others. I may seem crazy and outgoing and talkative to rambly nothingness, but I realized today (as I was cutting up 8 rather large pieces of fabric for my current sewing project) that I'm far to shy to talk to anyone myself... All the people who I'm super hyper with or talkative with, they were the ones who talked to me first... Either that or I get to talk to them through people who I know already... I don't think I'll ever talk with my crush. I'm thinking I don't even want to have a crush on him anymore (did I already say that?) I don't do any pursuing.

My lack of pursue-y-ness... Is this due to my shyness, or is it due to the fact that I feel like it's forbidden for me to have a crush on him? Dammit, why can't I like anyone? I can't wait till I get into pursue-y-mode. and not feel terrible about it. What a sad life I live.

I should be doing my homework... Today's load is rather easy, it's just that I'm not doing it! And I need time to get to my projects, too. I don't think I'll get any further today, though.

Or tomorrow: Ahita wa chichi no otanjoubi desu! Otanjoubi Omedeto Gozaimasu! Todai de taberu ni ikimashou. Watashi wa takusan dezaato to sushi o taberu tsumori desu. Ocha no soba mo taberu tsumori desu.

Hmmyeah it may be for the best that I don't talk with him. I'll keep my distance. I could've sworn he looks at me sometimes. But who couldn't miss a weirdo like me...? I'll be drawing a lot of attention to myself eventually, I would think... Me wanting to make buildings, and even now at school, I'm literally building my wardrobe now.

Oh, so my current project is a cloak. Did I not mention that already? I would post scans of my design, but DINAH isn't connected to the scanner (Ooh, I wanna make an anagram for my lappytoppy. I love it bunches!)
I could post something similar...


It's pretty much like this in that it's a hooded cloak. Here are the differences:

• My cloak will be mid-thigh length instead of hip-length.
• The main fabric is black, but my black fabric has black roses all over it.
• No ears in my pattern :( Or atleast, that's the plan.
• I won't have fur trims, instead it'll be a soft plaid purple ruffles and black ruffles (the main ruffles at the hem are black, and overlapping that will be the purple ruffles.
• I don't know what the inside of this cloak looks like, but my inside will be lined with the soft plaid purple fabric.
• On the front of my design, I have pockets (large black pockets with purple plaid hearts appliqued onto them; pockets have purple plaid trim at opening)
• Instead of a button front (doesn't have matching buttons), It'll have a panel of black in between the sides, and lined with metal d-rings; I'll make a purple plaid lacing to go up along the d-rings like a corset and tied at the top. I don't know yet if they'll be secured or loose... Sudden idea! No d-rings, but I'll give it a corset look with the purple string criss-crossing amongst each other and then tied at the top... That'll be cute, and I won't have to waste d-rings!!!
• Instead of a two-panel hood, I was thinking about making it three-paneled... Though I've never made a three-panel hood before. Maybe I'll trace a hood from an existing jacket that fit right... I don't like hoods that are too small that I look weird, or too large that it falls over my eyes :(
• I am really indecisive on whether I want a trim at the hood edges or not :( Maybe small ruffles... Or perhaps I could make use of the bunches of eyelets trim that I got at the Swapmeet (4 yards for $1!) Like I can apply them at the edges of the lacing at front, and then lining the hood... Hmmm... Even though I got a lot, I wish I got more... THESE EYELET AND D-RING TRIMS ARE FABRIC+METAL GOLD. They are a MUST for awesome clothing. When I make more stuff, these two things will be what I shall bulk buy the most.

Okay. Back to homework. I should get stuff done early so I can shower and go to bed relatively early so I can wake up early(er) and actually have breakfast for once and bring snacks for school... and remember to bring the money that I owe Sakeko and Z.

Simple stuff. But I am so distracted by the super awesomeness of what I am about to create by the end of this week. My main goal is to make enough super awesome clothes to wear on December 18, so that my entire outfit will be my own creation.

December 18, the very last day of my un-legal-ness.

Gosh darn it, tomorrow is a 2-4-6 day. I schwear, every 2-4-6 day is like a evil Monday to me, and every 1-3-5 day is an aweschome Friday. 2-4-6 days=BLEAH DOOOOOOOM. 1-3-5=HOORAY CELEBRATE!

Due to need, I think I've decided that I'll be keeping my journal entry up until I log off the compy. I do nothing but ramble Nonsense, but it's something I do. So... Pink journal is for not-compyness, LiveJournal for compyness. I haven't written in a while, because so far good things happen when I don't get myself lost in its pages, in my own thoughts. But it doesn't matter if I'm home. Nothing "bad" happens.

Battle of the Bands started playing before lunch started. I dun like. I wonder where I'll be when Ryan's band plays... I wish I had my second class of the day in the 1300s... That way I won't have to pass the student center...

I wish I didn't have this silly infatuation with Ryan... Perhaps saying that it's a silly infatuation will help. And perhaps stopping spazzing almost every time I see him will help. And perhaps stopping talking about him with Ally and Brittany will help too. But why does he have to be so cute? There's something about them quiet guys who arn't so still when they're with their friends...

I wish I were shorter. Ruining one's posture doesn't help. Nor does it look pretty.

Funniest memoriable quote by Mrs. Lax: "Curves are for women, not tests!" (asked after [I think Patrick] asked if she could curve the multiple choice test on Portrait)

I want string cheese.

I get tonight's math homework. Well, Robert did notify me that it was easy. And it is. Oh, and I still need to do Physics, but I can do that during class/lunch. Heh.

I would also like to get my Portrait reading and quick rights done. My quick writes are meaningless... And seemingly short compared to others... But they were typed, so maybe their 3 minutes worth of typing is worth more words than 3 minutes worth of writing.

I don't have any real purpose on DINAH so I think I'll shut off now. Interweb be too distracting. I'll just turn on my iPod and listen to IM again...

Once upon a time, a girl named Keisha had a dream that she and a dear friend of hers went up to two guys (both of whom are friends with each other), and had a conversation with them because the two girls fancied the guys. Little did the dreamer know, the fancying came true.

Half of lunch time today, my friends and I were talking to me how I need to talk with that boy. Brittany said that she will be more open and friendly than I am, and actually talk with the person she is interested (but uncertain) in. Perhaps through her I can converse with his friend?

Oh the joy of crushes! I am so happy to have a crush. It brings me back to the days where I go into analyzation over every. single. things. that the crush does in some miniscule relevation to me. For example, how when it was time to go to class, he and I go up the same path around the media center, however he detoured around Brittany. I dunno, most likely it's just so he can walk up with a friend, or maybe he had some business heading around the general area of the art rooms, or maybe he didn't want to bee-line through the hill because that would mean crossing the path of some crazy girl.

He probably sees me as some weird crazy girl. Whenever he is facing in my general direction, risking him seeing me, I freak out for a moment, and hide away behind Brittany or anyone nearby. He probably saw me do that :(

My wish is to break into Holiday songs singing before class starts. I wanna do that before Econ or English. Ashlee might join me, and probably Brittany. But I'm having a Christmas Song craze~ I listen to moozic while doing homework...

I am liking having a crush. I can't even really see us together, and I don't even know him well, but the feeling of spazziness it brings is so fun!

BULLET POINT TIME. IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER. I pretty much forgot all sequence that has been happening, too much to list, too much to actually care... At the same time, I still do. I haven't written in my journal in a while. What was there to write?

• I broke the chain of not talking with Elliot for at least a month. Japanese class. It was not at all awkward. I don't hate the boy. What surprised mw was that I actually had one of my internal blissful spazzums talking with him. The kind that I get when I talk with any of my friends... It just happens with him the most... I don't know when I'll talk with him again, but I don't think it'll be for a long while.
• I officialy have a crush on someone. I feel exactly as I felt during the many years of crushness. Very silly, very improbably, but the feeling is pretty entertaining. Just something to keep me interested. People know I spazz/obsess about him openly, but I'm too shy to talk to him. I did try to talk with him once... It ended shortly, and it was kinda awkward... I'll probably forever remain just some weird classmate to him. Bummer.
• I finally turned in all of my college applications
• I ABSOLUTELY LOVE SWAP MEETS. I GOT SOOOOOOO MUCH FABRIC AND I'M SO EXCITED TO START SEWING A WHOLE BUNCHES OF THINGS. But first, homework. AWESOMEST FABRIC EVER. SO EXCITED!!!
• Oh darn I promised Brittany that I'll be a whole new person coming back from break and actually talk to my crushy for once... I'm beginning to think that might fail... It's probably because of his affiliation with people I choose not to be associated with... dammit.
• Book among my toppest most favourite books: Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. Heck yes. I absolutely love it. Ironically, the author died on my birthday.
• Nolan's going to Cal Poly Pomona! If I get accepted there I'm going there hands down. One, so I could be with my favourite cousin, and two, so I could go to that awesome swap meet every weekend.
• I should do my homework.
• I got a new laptop (using it right now). HP G60-533CL Notebook. I named her DINAH. After Alice's cat. I'm really happy with it, and the desktop compy went to my brother's room.
• I spazz over cute guys with awesome hair (like my crush...waaaaaaaaah X(...) I also spaz over twins, which I'm in the belief my cush doesn't have one, but I saw cute asian twins over break so I am contented >w<
• I really wanna sew now. But I can only get to that when I finish my homework...
• I should do my homework.
• Okay.
• Bye bye.