Schwoa's Compilation of Words

I haven't been recording much. I'm such a bad online journalist. However, I have a new particular reason why I want to go back to this.

I'm wanting to have my own online shop, and be able to sell things and make money out of the things that I make. However, I just started with everything so I'm going to need a lot of practice with what I do.

But it's okay, I have a bunch of time :)

So..

As of now, I talked with Elliot and he might be able to set up a website for me so I can sell things. It's making me really excited, however I need more experience with all these things!

I looked around a little bit, and I'm checking out Etsy. I was thinking about starting to sell things via Etsy, seeing that it's a nice community to sell and buy things. I always liked marketplaces like that :)

The only problem is, there's a fee for a number of things, and I wouldn't really have to deal with fees if I have my own store.
And I'm under 18, as of now. That's not too much of a problem, but still.

I would much like to be a buyer from sellers so I can set up an expectancy thing for myself. But, I need a job so I can have money so I can buy those things. GAH I should be looking for a job >.<
I'll get to that sometime...

I'll get back to this. I promise myself.
-flutters away-

I am so bored right now. I really don't want to do anything though... I've lost interest in doing anything, so no video games, no reading, no sewing, no studying even. -gives Jackie a call- -ends call- Mkies that made me feel betters.

dnfakdnvaekngasvcncasdkgaskldnfagskdncasdkghasdtaskdngasldkiewrngdn

I'll go sew.

I is preparing a list of things that I would like to accomplish~

1. Save up munnies to by a DSLR camera. Just the thought of having one is making me super hyper, because I really want to get into fine photography. I just don't really have the time, nor the munnies.

2. Put together an outfit inspired by the Japanese school girls I saw in the IMA II textbook.
     -Large sweatervest
     -White long-sleeve button-up collared shirt
     -Gray pleated miniskirt
     -White loose socks (though I might have to stick to leg warmers...)
     -Black flats

...That's all I have on the list so far xDDD

Slowly but surely, I've been loosing confidence and faith in myself.

Somehow, it has been making me more productive in my homework. So that's good, yes?

I feel really crappy right now.

The end.

=D

I wish I can say just that. Let's see what I did today...

I woke up, played video games with my brother. At around 10, went furniture shopping with the family. Had a ranting conversation with Sean about occarinas and trap doors and secret passage ways. Went to eat some Philippino food, wasn't really hungry. Stopped by our soon-to-be-not house in Oceanside, then went to the Carlsbad outlet mall. Then we came home, brother and I played more video games while parents went out to look at varoud gardening stuff. Went to Ponto Beach, picked two rocks. One for Elliot, one for me to throw around until it breaks. Came home, Watched Rise of Darkrai, recorded television. Folded laundry, had dinner. Watched Bolt. Went upstairs, went of Facebook, started feeling really crappy. Talked with Elliot for a bit via IM, now I just don't know.

This is a test.
Nothing more, nothing less.

I have/had so many things that I wanted to get out of my head. Things that I usually would write down, or type up, whatever. It's so much easier to say things in words to people than it is to type it down. All I can say is that the things that I did type down, and the things that I wrote down, have all been said by word by now. Actually, most have. Not all.

I really want to move out of here so that I can just live the life I want to live. Here I tend to feel like a nobody, one who has to try in order to get any kind of recognition. I can't do the things that I've always wanted to do because it is either forbidden, or already taken. Most of the times, it's both. I mostly talk to Bryon about this. He's the one of the only very few (if not the only one) who I think see me completely for the me I want to portray. The real inner me, the one I feel forced to tuck away. It's a reason to love him. I feel completely myself whenever I'm with him and talking with him. I feel acknowledged and accepted for the things I want to do so badly, even though I'm not quite there yet because it's beyond my reach at the moment.

...[deletes rest of post]...

[Future note]
I fail at responsibilities nowadays ><

Okay, I've written down the classes I'm choosing for next year, however it is only on the Courses contract, and not online:

AP English Literature
AP Gov/Econ
AP Statistics
AP Sculpture
Japanese IV
Senior Seminar.

Yay?

I'll be a Senior next year. Today I got the Course Selection Contract along with so many others. I was so amped up when I got it; I feel like this summer and this upcoming year and the summer after that is my last chance to get in all of the classes that I want to get. I'm pretty good when it comes to my graduation/college requirements. I wish I could do more though...

Freshman year, I wasn't really into chosing the classes that would go towards the direction I want to go (I just chose some non-honors classes...). Sophmore year, my schedule was tied. This year, I am getting the kinds of electives that I would want, like Tech Theater (I really like that class).

But here's my close-to-certain classes I want:

AP English Literature
AP Econ/Gov
Statistics (maybe AP Stats)
AP Sculpture
ROP Engineering Principles
***Japanese IV

I'm really thinking about whether I'm taking JIV or not. If I do, I would be learning the same material I'm learning this year, and I'll still be stuck with the other J students all of whom I find great interest in, however it's just not helping if the only reason I'd be willing to take JIV is to get better at speaking Japanese (I want to be fluent someday.)

I'm quite amped about taking a course over the summer.
I want to take Summer School, which I'm happy will be at LCC this year.
I also wanted to take a summer course maybe in Mira Costa College.
I also want to take an online course, personally because I think it's kinda nifty and I want to try it out.

But with the courses that I've listed for my Senior classes, my credits will be complete. I'm wanting to take extra courses just because. Just because I do indeed love learning, but primarily if it's something that I'm actually interested in, and not obligated to take.

'Why do you keep arguing about this?'
'I'm not the one continuing it, you keep on responding and asking questions.'
'No. Why are we arguing about /this/?'
'Well what is 'this'?'
'We're arguing about ambiguity.'
'No we're not, we're arguing about 'this'. But what is 'this?''
'The thing that we're arguing about.'
'So what is 'it'? You keep on saying that we're arguing about 'this', but I don't know what 'this' is.'
'THIS.'
'Whell what is 'THIS'?'
'I have no idea.'

Juice.

So, right now I'm baking some bread. I found out as I was being picked up that I was actually able to stay longer at Comedy Sports, but right at that moment I was too annoyed to care. I left early partially because it was half time and I didn't want to break my little 9:00 rule.

I should be working on my English, but it's just a writing assignment. I'm pretty alright when it comes to writing assignments, it's just that I need to practice writing large enough to make it look like I actually did something.

Things are just bleah right now. My annoyance is being easily pushed nowadays, not like I haven't had annoyance rushes before. It'll pass...

I want some rice right now...

There are too many times when I want to not be with people, and just as many times when I want to be with people. Usually at the same time.

This is just one of the things in this world that bothers me, parents and their thoughts on what should or shouldn't be exposed to their children. But like I am always thinking in my mind, sheltering will only lead to ignorance.

Parents Complain New TV Host [Scares Children]

**Taken from one of my books that I've had during my astrological obseessions, and I found it on my closet shelf after a year or two of not seeing it: The Secret Language of Birthdays by Gary Goldschieder and Joost Eiffers**

"December Nineteenth

THE DAY OF THE HELLRAISERS

     Those born on December 19 are powerful in eliciting reactions from others, principally because of their at once daring and persevering attitude as well as their refusal to compromise. It is difficult or impossible for them to be anything but themselves; putting on a mask for society is something for others to do. Their attitude is more often---"That's how I am, take it or leave it!"
     It can be quite astonishing how December 19 people manage to overcome difficulties. Yet struggle seems so much a part of their fate that it is hard to imagine them leading a serene life, without challenge. Their lives can be a kind of ongoing battle in which they pit their concentrated energies against great odds and win out, again and again. This is not to suggest, however, that they do not experience curshing defeats as well. But while they may suffer deeply, and sometimes even think seriously about giving up, their spirit remains indomitable. Thus their triumphs are deeply meaningful, born not of a blind heroism but of a kind of gritty determination.
     Despite the great difficulties that fate has in store for December 19 people, their most serious confronters come with themselves at a deep personal level. For example, lethargy and lack of energy may dampen their spirit and refuse to abate. Or, on the other hand, a storm of violent emotions may unexpectedly seize them, first manifesting in private, perhaps later bursting forth in their public life.
     It's hard to blame December 19 people at such times, since they are in the throes of dark, powerful forces. To see them suffer arouses the sympathy of any sensitive onlooker, but such sympathy may naturally be less forthcoming if those born on this day direct negativity outward. Passionate, perplexing, maddening---December 19 people can truely test one's patience. But indeed life would be far less exciting without them.
     In fact, by going their won way and displaying freedom of spirit, December 19 people are often admired by yonger persons, who see them as romantic figures. Those born on this day are not necessarily responsible for yonger people emulating them, but if they have a direct relationship with a child, they should try to even out some of their more volatile behavior.
     December 19 people have a great need for levity in their lives, but detest flabby or phony humor. generally their own sense of humor has an ironic edge, or even a mocking quality. Those born on this day most oftern present a serious face to the world acompanied by a somewhat forbidding posture. A great deal of self-work may be needed for them to break out of this mold and become fully expresive, in an easy, flowing manner."

HEALTH
     December 19 people are prone to psychological problems due to their turbulent emotional energy. Coming to understand the nature of these problems at a deep level is essential, and in order to do this they may at some point in their lives need to seek counseling. They must be extremely wary of solacing themselves with the drugs that classically accompany depression, such as alcohol or narcotics of any type. In order to keep their mood positive, vigorous physical exercise and an exciting and varied diet are particularly recommended. Cultivating lasting friendships with understanding and accepting people is crucial to providing them with a reliable support system. In addition, programmed social activities that can bring them out into the world in a balanced and sharing fashion are always sugested.

ADVICE
     Lighten up. Avoid placing your heavy concerns on others. don't hide out too much; socialize when and where you can. Remember to laugh. Don't get hooked on unhappiness."


...After not seeing this for a couple of years, I do find this pretty ironic...

I never knew exactly what I've been wanting other than to be happy, and to make others happy. But one can't really be happy without knowing what it is that makes her happy. And one can't make others happy without being happy herself. But what is it that I've been wanting? People find out by trial and error, yes? First I just want to get out this feeling that I'm always getting about many things. I need to be able to get my thoughts out into words without getting the impression that the person I'm talking to would get mad at me somehow. I used to think that what I need is someone who would listen to me so I can have someone to talk to. I now have people to talk to, but I don't talk. I ramble. And I get absolutely nowhere.

I really shouldn't be sitting around. It's not even 10:00 and I'm already feeling like I should be doing something but procrastinating. But I already finished my homework due tomorrow...

I was thinking about the life and times in AP Chem. One of the little things that most stick in my memory are the cassette casses used to hold the little vials of solutions. I thought they were cool...

I really want to find my SD charger. Where did it go? We're loosing a bunch of chargers around the house. Mainly the cellphone chargers. Everyone here has a cellphone, and all our cellphones uses the same charger. We each got one with our phone, but mom and dad lost theirs and my mom is now borrowing mine, and I am borrowing my brother's because my cellphone is horrible and needs to be charged again every night. I'll just stick to using my brother's DS.

I want to update my iPod again. I wonder why I'm not right now... Too lazy to get it out I guess >.>
I want to get rid of some artists, and add in some more.
Huh when I remove songs, I never remove them from my iTunes. Just from my iPod. It gives me a strange sense of comfort having them around, I guess.

So this morning Elliot gave me some bread~ That's the second little gift to me this week. It's making me really happy~ I'm wanting to give gifts back now, but I'mma gonna think of what to give; I love random gift-giving. Anyway it's some Amish Friendship Bread. He gave me some starter batter in a ziplock bag and some instructions. It takes 10 days to prepare, 6th day adds some ingredients, 10th day is baking day. When the batter is ready it is split into four portions; one for myself for baking, and the other three gets in seperate ziplock bags to give to three friends, along with a copy of the instructions. It's like a chain mail for baking~ But this chain is definitly worth it. The bread is soooo good~ I know two people I want to give to, I'm thinking of a third.

After school today I hung out with the Jackie and the Rosanna. Library was closed, the toutoring was in rm 561. I went with them to the hill, and yeah. I really like it on the hill. I just find it so relaxing, and one of those places that I associate with having great times with friends. Sure it can be overbearingly bright and sunny, or cold, or really windy, but when the weather is just right and we're all just laying/sitting around, I find it quite nice. I still have a bunch of pictures/videos of different times of a bunch of us hanging out there. They were happy times. When I'm on the hill with friends now (so far recently, Elliot, Rosanna and Jackie), they're still happy times for me.
So yeah. We just talked about stuff.

Pokemon. Working on it extensively. But where is that SD charger!?!

Every time I go on Facebook I'm more so eager to play Pet Society~  I lobbs it and my Kitp <3

I'm officially back to journal writing (for sure this time), and I absolutely love it.

I finally found some microcassettes (at Target. Never thought I'd be going there again).

It's one of those few times that I did my homework and actually felt like I did a lot of things. I studied a lot for Bio, already did my math homework a couple of days ago... But I still need to do my English (will do tonight), lots of history >.>, and my Nihongo, but that part's managable. I really don't like history... But apparently I'm still planning on taking the AP US History Exam (I got the 2009 APUSHE book just today...). But I'm up for doing better this year than I did last year =D.

I got The Count of Monte Cristo today. I'm up to the middle of Ch. 9, and I like it already (long book, short chapters... And this is abridged).

I'm inspired to get better at pen flipping, and I'm determined to eventually learn how to whistle loudly.

Just like paper and glue, I'm not going to take index cards for granted anymore. They're so great to have around, and the best way for me to study.

...Kay I'm going to go work on that English now.

So we have this English assignment where we write a page of a childhood memory, details on what happened during then, and thoughts to go along with it. It made me think, I should probably just grab one of my journals and copy down an entry because it'll fit the assignment.
So I got out all of my journals, and put them in order according to date. I picked one up randomly: It's my composition notebook with red duct tape covering it and has "Schowa" written on the front. It covers the early months of Sophmore year: approximately October to mid November.

I opened up to a random date, around the end of October.

I realized my place in situations, how situations were, how I thought of them, how others did. I denied things often, I found out.

But now I'm curious. I'm kinda wanting to type down all of my journal entries from when I first started writing to now in a blog (Yes, now I have yet another blog idea...). Maybe somewhere to be honest and let out some thoughts from before that no one knows that they should have known while it was that particular time? Or maybe I should just keep them where they're supposed to be? Locked up in books that now I'm even afraid to open up?

I want some oppinions. People would probably tell me that it's my decision. Well, it is. I did have a decision to BURN all of my journal. But I've writen one time a while ago: "These journals are my life." I burn these books, I burn my life's work.

I once blamed journal writing for my bottled-in-ness.

Hmm, maybe I'll just keep things the way that they are...

NOTE: Most likely you would be in my dreams somewhere if i have met you at least once. EVERYONE usually ends up in my dream even if they are only in the background.

Last night's dream.

It started out with a regular school day, but here, there was a school event: a dance. I have already asked my mom if I could wait late and go to the dance, and she said yes. The dream itself started during the wait for the dance. It was dark outside, and I was waiting outside of the building where the dance would be, at a parking lot.

Apparently, the dance was at a Wal-Mart.

When the dance started, it was more of a rave. Hooray, clubbing at Wal-Mart -thinks of Crazy Borris-! I didn't dance. I just looked around at the other people dancing, trying to find people that I knew. After a while of searching, I found a group of guys who I was familiar with, including Elliot, Seb, Nick, (Matt?), and I don't think I knew the rest. They were sitting at where I'd think is te McDonald's section, but it was this cafe with a bunch of benches organized in a weird way. Not just perpendicular with one another, but also raised upon platforms, turned, running into other benches, etc. The benches brownish and very comfortable. The group of guys kept on switching from the chairs to the benches to stairs to back to the others for some reason.

So I sat and talked with them for a while. They were looking at pictures, and that was when we realized that somehow I knew Nick sometime before highschool. I forgot where though...

I'm guessing I was bored, because I left the guys after a while and continued to wander. Then it was the end of the dance, and time to go. I just got into a white SUV. I fell asleep, and woke up at the destination.

It was a gigantic boarding school. It was apparently our first day there, because we got a tour of the place. It was like in a university, and the place we were taken to was like a gigantic library.

At the end of the tour, we were taken to our dorm/homeroom. It's just like Hogwarts, where you go somewhere obscure, and do something to get to the main room. For us, we pull out a certain book, taking us to the living-room sor of place. In the living room there is yet another library, with books on opposite wall so fthe room, half-wall on the left side with the top half being windows, and onthe right wall is more books and a bunch of trophies. In the middle of the room are circular couches and crescent shaped couches, and closer to the window is this odd structure/mechanism made of bronze that extends around the back corner of the room closer to the window. THe guide told us that to get to the main classroom, you push the head at the front of the statue to the right, until (on the middle of the body) the mook moves and covers the sun. The wall behind it moves, and opens to the main room.

The main room was gue. Comparable to the SD Convention Center. It was arranged like this:
_| |______ ___________
|  ==      == |                          |__________
|  ==      == |    House          |                       |
|  ==      == |                          |   Bathroom  |
|  ==      == |                          |                       |
----------------___________| |_                  |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |                |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |                |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |_______|
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |
|  ==      ==                ==      ==   |
__________| |___________

It wasn't another library, it was basic cement walls, floor, and ceiling (except the house. It was like any other house.). The bigger part of the room held most of the hundreds of studens, and the desks faced the front. The back section had a small portion of the class (about 30 students) and it's facing the back. At the other back corner of the main room was the bathroom, and next to that was the house.
The tables accomodate 4 people, they're just like the tables in the science buildings. I sat on one of the middle right tables with Jackie to my left, Lizzie to her left, and Sarah to her left (just like in AP Bio).

Once we got everything situated, we were all told that we had to go through this initiative running marathon. So okay, yeah we were up for it. We all went to the starting (gym?) room, which was just as big as the mian classroom with the cement floor, walls and ceiling, but it had no furniture. It just had people piling in with their gym bags. Eberyone had something comfortable on, mostly wore a t-shirt and shorts and running shoes (some wore jeans; they wern't prepared for any running).

We went out to the starting line. The whistle blew, and we started running. I didn't notice how far up or behindi was compared to the other thousands of people. But running was so fun! It was like running on a mile-long hiking trail. Lots of turns jaggedy rocks, even grass at flat times. Nearing the end, I realized where I was. Turns out that I was at the same place Lizzie was (I didn't know the other pople). So, my usual little drive, don't get behind those I know. So I tried to beat Lizzie, but It the end, it was a tie. It's all happy, though =D

We all hung out in the cement room for a good long while. I was talking with Jackie, peoples went went to go change into the usual clothes. I did too, but I decided to go straight into the homeroom instead of going bak to the cement room. I pulled the book, went into the living room.

-will continue later on. I'm taking a break from this.-

We have a hard time keeping the house clean, everyone realizes it, everyone except my brother gets upset about it.

My dad complains the most about the house being messy, but he's the biggest mess maker.

My mom complains that she's always cleaning and gets mad at everyone for not cleaning, even though she also does make some mess and I do, in fact clean as well.

My brother doesn't clean, doesn't care.

As for me, I'm practically the only one who picks up after myself except for when I'm in my room. And it just so happens that even though I clean all the time, no one else sees me cleaning. When they do see me, I'm apparently not cleaning. My mom tells me that I'm at that age during which I should be cleaning and helping around the house, even though I ALWAYS do.

gotta go.